When I used to think about relationships, I thought it could only be between me and another person (for example: my husband, child, sibling, a friend, an employee, or employer).

As I started looking at my own relationships, I realized that there was a key relationship that I wasn’t including in my list. And that was my relationship with myselfand my own beliefs about what makes up a healthy relationship.

I used to be very concerned whether people would like me. I was always trying to make the rightdecision.

I was constantly worried about those things. I would try and protect the people I cared about, by not telling them that something they did bothered me, because I didn’t want to hurt them.I was also constantly putting other people’s needs before my own.

After finishing a conversation with someone, I was always nervous, because I was skeptical that they might have misconstrued something I said.

Does any of this sound familiar?

When people come to me to help them fix a relationship that is causing them pain in their lives, the first thing we look at is their relationship with themselves.

Why do we do that?

When weconsider ourselves justas equally important as others, we can make balanced decisions about how to treat or react to otherpeople when they do something we don’t like.

But if I think that the other person is more important than me, or that their needs come before my own, thenwe will have a problem.

Why?

Every person makes decisions based on their belief system. If our belief system is flawed, then the decisions we make will also be flawed.

How do I know if my belief system is flawed? Well, G-d or the universe,  has set up a very clear system that lets us know eachand every time we are believing in things we shouldn’t.

The system works like this:

If we are unhappy with our lives, then we most certainly have some belief getting in the way.

Let’s take this back to relationships. I bet that no one reading this doesn’t have at least one healthy relationship.

When I say,”healthy relationship,” I mean a relationship where you can say anything you want to the other person, and he or she won’t get offended or take it the wrong way.

You can tell that person “no” when they ask for a favor, and they understand.

With them, you’re not worried about doing the wrong thing, because they love youand will surely forgive you for any mistakes you make.

Basically, you can be yourself.

So, here is my question: What are you doing or thinking in this relationship that you are not doing or thinking in the unhealthy relationship?

Some common answers that I get to this question are: That person is normal. That person lets me be myself and say “no” if I need to. That person doesn’t judge me. That person doesn’t get mad at me. That person allows me to let my guard down. That person doesn’t expect so much from me…and so on.

All these answers have a common thread between them. That is, we believe that our ability to have a healthy relationship depends on the other person.

The truth is, that’s only half of the story.

A healthy relationship is made up of two people, with each person contributing 50% to it.

If I don’t like something someoneelse is doing, and keep it to myself, I will feel hurt or resentful. After all, I can’t change another person’s behavior. That other 50% of the relationship won’t change just because I want it to.

However, I can change my own part of the relationship. And that makes all the difference.

What I may come to realize is that I am harboring a certain belief about not being able to speak up or let people know my feelings. At this point, then, I can question that belief.

The way to fix this relationship might be to speak up where I previously didn’t, or alternatively, stay quietwhere I previously spoke up.

Each person has to look at what they are thinking and doing to see where they can make changes.

When you make those changes, you will see miraculous changes in the other person as well. This is a proven fact.I have seen it work in my life and in many of my clients.